Give it one more chance... Highwaymen (2003)

There's a handful of movies from the 1980s that just had such fantastic premises they'll always be remembered. Robert Harmon's The Hitcher was one of those films. A lone guy is driving through the desert, picks up a creepy-looking hitch hiker played by Rutger Hauer who turns out to be a serial killer and rather than just kill the guy, the hitcher kills everyone around him and tries to pin the murders on him. Fantastic. Okay, I'll admit The Hitcher did really push the boundaries of reality in the supernatural way that Hauer always managed to be one step ahead of everyone but on the whole the film was very solid.

So fast forward 17 years and Harmon returns with another horror/thriller set on the open road Highwaymen. Sure it doesn't top The Hitcher but it's a very solid little flick. Jim Caviezel (best known for playing Jesus in Mel Gibson's The Passion) plays Rennie Cray a burnt out shell of a man out for revenge against the mysterious driver who ran down his wife years earlier. You see the hit and run with his wife wasn't an accident, this driver is a serial killer, who uses a car like Jason Voorhees uses a machete, who kills women for fun. Along for the ride is Molly, played by Rhona Mitra, an innocent woman who Cray saves from the killer only to try and use her as bait to lure him out later.

This film was at the cinema for like a week before going to video. It got a couple of good reviews but mostly torn to shreds by critics. I caught it on TV late one night and if you wanna check out this flick I recommend you do the same, put it on about 11pm. The whole movie sort of plays out like a dream/nightmare. There's a lot of dream-like scenes, not least the opening scene where Cray's wife gets run over that plays out in bleach bypass slow-mo. There's also a great bit involving a crash between a car and horse trailer in a tunnel, where Molly staggers out of the car only to see the surviving horse wander around confused. Horses should be in more horror movies, they just seem like perfect omens of evil.

I honestly don't know how Jim Caviezel got cast in this film. I mean the guy's worked with Terence Malick, Ang Lee, and played Jesus (where he spoke all his dialogue in Latin no less). And here he turns up in a grimy lurid low budget revenge thriller. It's weird, he seems quite humourless in interviews but I guess he must have a dark side to pick this film. He's also pretty great in Outlander, another fun glossy b-movie, which I'll get on to reviewing eventually. He's sort of fun b-movie hero, he's not beefy like Stallone and he doesn't do quips like Bruce Campbell, but he does give the character an above-average characterisation of barely suppressed rage.

Mark Isham does a great, great score – stripped back guitar full of repeating motives, not dissimilar from Neil Young's score for Dead Man. Sadly, it's not available in shops but you might find it floating around the net if you look hard enough. The whole film's wrapped up in 80 minutes so it's pretty short but also pretty tight. It never lags, which when you're making a film about cars should be a given. Like Harmon's earlier film there's some logic gaps and leaps of faith you've got to make, like Cray having a sixth sense for where the killer will turn up. All the stunts are very well done and as for the killer's identity, I won't spoil it... you'll either think, cool or wow, that's massively distasteful and pretty stupid. Obviously I'm in the former camp.

Anyway, if you've seen and like The Hitcher, check this film out. It's got a little bit of the same vibe and would make a great double bill.

Random thoughts on... "seboots" sequels that act as reboots

Just wanted to get this down before I started seeing it elsewhere. Someone was asking me my thoughts about Predators, I said it was basically an example of the director wanting to do a sequel but the studio obviously wanted a reboot. So they met in the middle and more or less made a reboot, but one that took place after and acknowledged the original film. Direct to video sequels have been doing this for year's but only now has Hollywood caught on this method of extending a franchises shelf life a few more years. On paper it seems like a great idea, the studios avoid getting negative backlash from die hard fans of the franchise and they get a recognisable brand for general movie goers. For Predators I thought it failed and didn't really please anyone. Don't get me wrong I paid money and saw it at the cinema but really I wished they'd pushed the franchise forward with a more original storyline. "Seboots" as I'm gonna call them, are the equivalent of keeping your foot down on the clutch, sure the cars still moving forward but you're ruining the engine.

seboot
(noun) cee-boo-t
A belated sequel to a movie or franchise that pretty much ignores the original and more or less rehashes the same storyline under the guise of being a sequel. See: Tron: Legacy, Predators, The Incredible Hulk

Forgotten Brandon Lee... Laser Mission (1990)

I don't think I try to hide the fact that I love crappy action b-movies and Laser Mission is one of the highest order. From the moment David Knoflpler's power ballad 'Mercenary Man' kicks in over the opening credits you know you're in for an ultra low budget action classic.

I think part of the appeal of b-movies is that you can see the joins. On big budget movies, the quality of the acting, cinematography, music, lighting, set everything is so perfect you almost forget you're watching fiction. In b-movies that never happens. You sit there watching people trying to act as best they can to fool you into thinking you're watching a big budget movie but it never happens. But hey that isn't a necessarily a bad thing. If everyone just watched professional theatre no one would go to see amateur dramatic productions.

So yeah, everyone can probably agree that The Crow was Lee's biggest film. And that Rapid Fire and Showdown in Little Tokyo were neat little unambitious action flicks. Laser Mission is probably right at the bottom of his memorable movies but it's still worth watching. The guy really had a lot of charisma and it shows, even in this little b-movie.

Laser Mission sees Brandon Lee play Michael Gold, an American Secret Agent, who's sent out to track down a scientist played by Ernest Borgnine, whose knowledge of how to create a laser cannon has also attracted the attentions of the KGB. When Borgnine gets kidnapped Gold teams up with Alissa, a blonde woman who claims to be Braun's daughter, to track him down. Sparks fly between the two as they go on a globe trotting journey to recover Borgnine, all the while trying to stay a step of the evil Colonel Kalishnakov.

This is a very low budget flick and ordinarily with films this cheap, they are dull, boring and pad everything out. Luckily this has two things going in its favour. One, director BJ Worth is a former stunt co-ordinator so we at least get a lot of action, car chases, and fights and not too much talking. Two, Lee gives the role his all, relishing the chance to reel off quips like no tomorrow and diving into the physical stunts. There's a definite air of 'poor-man's' Bond to Laser Mission. In an early scene, Gold walks through airport customs, the man behind the desk checks over his passport and asks him "Are you here for pleasure or business Mr Gold?". "A little bit of both you might say," Gold replies trying to surpress a grin. Later he falls through a roof onto a couple's table and calmly says to them "I just dropped in to say... bon appetite!" Both lines sound exactly like something Pierce Brosnan would say. There's also a little Romancing the Stone in the love/hate relationship between Gold and Alissa.

The rest of the cast can't really act. Borgnine, in particular, sees fit to put on some unidentifiable accent. At times I think he was reading his lines off a card just off camera. Why is it when name actors turn up in low budget films they choose to scupper their performance with bizarro accents?. A lot of the extras also struggle with their lines and there's a slightly annoying subplot involving two moronic Russian, who Gold is always easily outwitting, that seems like something that would fit in with a more kid friendly film.

Anyway Laser Mission might be in the bargain bin at your local pound shop but it is worth a least a quick watch with a beer and pizza. If you don't even want to put down your hard cash the film is up in its entirety on Youtube (it's public domain), check out part 1 here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLr2s-p7jz0

Forgotten Eighties Kids Classic... Biggles: Adventures in Time (1986)

Ah, to be 10 again. There were so many films I watched as kid that made an indelible impression on me. As a kid you judge films on such an innocent level – you're not held down by matters of taste, decency, acting ability, plot holes, budget, directing style or genre (which is probably why every kid will admit to watching all the Police Academy movies). Biggles: Adventures in Time is one of those films. The left half of brain knows that this awful low budget film with pretty hammy acting, plot holes you could fly a plane through, and a terrible concept of what World War I was like. I'll also openly admit I've never read any of the novels by Captain W E Johns and know this is a horrible bastardisation of the original concept but... damn, the right side of my brain just loves it.

Okay, so the bizarro plot has Jim, a catering salesman living in 1980s Manhattan. He's living a slightly unspectacular life until one night he's transported back to 1917 (yup, just like that) in France and helps a fighter pilot called Biggles escape from his crashed plane. He wakes up the next day, confused and thinking it must have been trippy dream, as you would, but then Peter Cushing turns up on his doorstep, warning him that what he experienced will happen again. Jim follows Cushing to London to get more answers where its revealed that he was Biggles superior officer, and Jim and Biggles are inextricably linked as 'time twins' and can travel back and forth in time to help each other out when they are in peril.

It feels at times that this film has been directed by a child. So little of it makes logical sense. Why does Peter Cushing live inside Tower Bridge? How come he looks 60ish when he's supposed to have been Biggles superior officer in 1917 making closer to 100? Why is Jon Anderson of Yes doing a synth-y power pop song as the theme tune? How does being a 'time twin' work? How can you hop from the past to the present? Should your actions alter the future? Where did the Germans get a sonic weapon in 1917?

Really none of this matters. Like the character of Jim, you're just propelled from past to present so fast you don't really think how stupid the film is until it's over. The only thing that really sticks out is the use of Beckton Gas Works - famously used in Full Metal Jacket as Vietnam, and in For Your Eyes Only as... well, an abandoned Gas Works. Here's it's used to represent a bombed out French village and all the concrete doesn't really work. There's only so far I can push my imagination.

The performances are all pretty good. Alex Hyde-White is fairly bland and inoffensive as Jim (he's no Marty McFly) but Neil Dickson's superb as Biggles, Peter Cushing's solid as Raymond and William Hootkins is great as Chuck, Jim's colleague and the comedy relief for the film. Hootkins is a excellent character actor who, sadly, is best remembered for being the fat X-Wing pilot Porkins in Star Wars and didn't get that many major roles, so it's nice to see him here.

As I said Jon Anderson does a pounded synth track for the film called 'Do You Want to Be a Hero' that really works with the schizophrenic nature of the film. He also did a great track for Ridley Scott's Legend called 'Loved by the Sun' – it's a shame he didn't do more 80s movie soundtracks.

So, that's it. If the thought of Biggles flying a helicopter and defeating the Germans in 1917 does convince you to watch this film, nothing will.

Completist Guide to The Crow series (1993-2005) (Part 2)

The Crow: Salvation (2000)
 

So after a failed sequel and a failed TV show, they decided to blindly make another sequel! It sounds like a bit of doomed concept but The Crow had continued in comic books during the late 90s to modest success (we'll get onto those later) and the original film was still selling well on video and dvd. Also, anyone with a knowledge of Dimension studios knows how many DTV sequels they crank out – Hellraiser, Children of the Corn, Mimic to name a few – they'll crank out a sequel to almost anything that sounds violent and horror orientated.

Luckily the film opts to shun the lighter touch that Stairway to Heaven had and again tells a pitch black tale of revenge like the first two films. Unlike the original film and City of Angels, both of which were deliberately stylised pieces of cinema set in undefinable times, Salvation chooses to go for a far more realistic look and grounds the film in the present. 
 

Eric Mabius plays Alex Corvis, a 21 year old about to be sentenced to the electric chair for murdering his girlfriend, something he's repeatedly denied. In the first 10 minutes we see him executed but of course, he's resurrected by a mysterious crow and sets about solving who really killed his girlfriend.

I like what they did here. The writer Chip Johannsen (a TV writer for shows like Millennium) and director Bharat Nalluri (who's directed a lot of glossy British TV shows like Doctor Who and Hustle) recognised they couldn't repeat the exact same formula and the film shows potential in turning Alex's mission of revenge into an investigation rather than straight forward killings. Sadly, it gives too much away too quickly and it's not too long before we know the identity of the killers. 
 

Also, the film's noticably much lower budget than the baroque original, at times it feels too much like a TV movie than a piece of cinema. The production history for this, like all Crow films, was again troubled. It was intended to go to cinemas (I even remember seeing the soundtrack way before the film came out) but the film tested poorly and it was said certain points were confusing. Some reshoots were done but the project was eventually shelved and then released DTV.

Eric Mabius makes a nice fit for Alex and it's a shame he didn't get more leading roles (this probably killed his chances). Kirsten Dunst makes a nice sidekick character as well and the cast of cops is nicely put together – it's good to see Walton Goggins (of The Shield) too, playing his usual racist/sexist/violent cop role. 
 

Once again, we've got a good premise but very average execution (no pun intended... okay maybe it was). It's nice to see the series break away and try something new. This film seems far less in debt to the original than City of Angels was.

Score by Marco Beltrami

Marco Beltrami's score is far less memorable than Graeme Revell's work. It's mostly generic sounding piano that doesn't really have any identity (something Beltrami repeated when taking over scoring duties on Terminator 3). In fact during the film they more often drop in a rock song in lieu of score. Apparently the film was shot for way under budget and the soundtrack department went overboard buying up rock tracks – in this case, check out the soundtrack over the score.

The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)

And so we come to the most recent Crow film Wicked Prayer, directed by Lance Mungia (director of the almost great Six String Samurai – see earlier review). The first thing that hits you when you look at the front cover is... Edward Furlong?!? Edward Furlong as in the squeeky voiced kid who played John Connor in Terminator 2. Yep, that Edward Furlong.

Wicked Prayer is one long massive misfire of a movie, in almost every department, and it's unsurprising that no sequels or indeed any other Crow paraphernalia has followed it. The story has Furlong play Jimmy Cuervo, a former criminal living in a dusty desert town near an Indian reservation where he's met the love of his life, Lilly. Unsurprisingly, their happiness is cut short when an ex-con Luc Crash (David Boreanaz, Angel from the Buffy TV show), a former friend of Jimmy, and his gang decides to murder them both and take Lily's eyes out as part of some Satanic ritual. Jimmy comes back and... yah dah yah dah yah dah. You get the picture.

Okay, the plot sounds a little bonkers but in the right hands I'm sure it could be okay-ish. The makers have tried to give everything a really fresh spin with the desert setting. Unfortunately, everyone in this picture seems to be at complete cross purposes. There is A LOT of terrible acting. I'm not just talking about one or two actors. Everyone is uniformly terrible. David Boreanaz tries to channel Jack Nicholson's Joker and fails. Edward Furlong still looks like a teenager and isn't intimidating in the slightest. Tara Reid, once again reads his lines like someone who's just learnt to talk. Yuji Okumoto struggles with most of his lines too. Cage wrestler Tito Ortiz comes across more campy than scary. Danny Trejo embarrasses himself towards the end by doing a topless Native American dance (um, pretty sure he's Mexican) that is meant to be very serious and moving but just comes across as a 60 year latino wobbling his man boobs in the desert.

Worst of all is Macy Gray (yep, the singer) who has a tiny role but manages to garbles (and I mean garble) her way through a couple of lines before being shot. Sadly, I couldn't find a clip of her on youtube so you'll have to settle for this one of Dennis Hopper, for completely inexplicable reasons speaking in ebonics...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Euor337sqSU

On top of all this terrible acting is terrible directing. Again, like his earlier film Six String Samurai, Mungia can create some great shots – some interesting dream-like shots of Jimmy and Lilly work really well – but the guy cannot structure his shots. For a lot of film it's difficult to tell geographically where everything is. It's something you don't really think about when you watch movies but it's headache-inducing when its missing. With a plot this crazy you need to take the time to tell it coherently.

Now I will forgive the makers a little because they obviously had a very small budget and I'm guessing they didn't get the opportunity to do any reshoots that would have cleared up the story. The Weinsteins, executive producers, are notorious penny-pinchers and it shows here – 90% of the shots of the crow are taken from the previous films. Production history on this again was interesting. Shot in 2003, it didn't arrive on DVD until 2005. Inbetween then a poster was released reading just Wicked Prayer (no mention of the Crow) leading everyone to think that even the producers were ashamed of what they'd made.

Basically there's no way of escaping it, this is a terrible, terrible movie. It's got nothing to do with the fact that I liked the earlier movies, it's just a mess of film. You can't even call it so bad its good.

Score by Jamie Christopherson

You know what? The score to Wicked Prayer by Jamie Christopherson, who's back catalogue is mainly video game work, is actually pretty good. It's miles away from the gothic score by Revell and at times drifts dangerously close to middle of the road hippish Native American muzak but suits the film and shows a glimpse of originality that the film was aiming for. My pick from the album, which I think Jamie gives away for free on his website, is 'Bike Ride' a great little triumphant soaring track.

Comic books

The original book by James O'Barr is a comic book masterpiece that deserves to be placed alongside Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns and Alan Moore's Watchmen. Illustrated in black and white and with quite a different plot to the original film it's really worth picking up even if your not a Goth. It's a powerful story, creatively told – for instance, the artwork is deliberately schizophrenic - the happy flashbacks are drawn in a soft focus painting style while the grim present day scenes are pencilled in a rough, scratchy fashion.

The Crow was followed up a series of spin-offs, all four issues – usually with a unique spin. The first Dead Time, details a Civil War soldier returns to take revenge in present day to his reincarnated murderers. Waking Nightmare delves into the world of the yakuza. Flesh and Blood is probably the best of all of them – telling a story of a female federal agent coming back to avenge her own assassination. Least essential of all is the series by Image Comics that came out in the late nineties that tried, similar to Stairway to Heaven, to retell the story of Eric Draven as an on-going series.

Spin off novels

There were also a series of novels written during the late nineties. Again, like the comics these retell the same story with a unique spin. Quoth the Crow is quite a good read, about a writer obsessed with Edgar Allen Poe coming back and the City of Angels novelisation by Chet Williamson gives a good overview of how the original screenplay played out before it was recut by the Weinsteins. And Wicked Prayer by Norman Partridge, which the fourth film loosely based on is a more coherent version of that story. Best of all of them is The Lazarus Heart by Poppy Z Brite, is an utterly bizarre read about gay man who is wrongly sent to the electric chair and comes back to avenge his lovers death that probably served the basis for the third film.

Video games

Only one video game ever got made for The Crow series - City of Angels for the Sega Saturn - and it's a terrible game that regularly tops lists for worst game ever. Similar in fashion to the early Resident Evil games, it's all fixed perspective but rather than shoot your enemies you beat them up. Something which is pretty difficult to do if the camera angle isn't right (and it frequently isn't).

Future

At the time of writing Juan Carlos Fresnadillo (28 Weeks Later) has been announced as director of the new Crow film (very likely a remake) with Bradley Cooper apparently negotiating for the lead role. Should be interesting...

Random thoughts on... the most implausible movie deaths

Watch at your own risk!

Deaths on the big screen range from the quietly subtle to the outrageously over the top. In many ways, films allow both the filmmakers and the audience to explore a range of emotions they rarely come across in real life. For example, I've probably seen hundreds of death scenes play out in films but never seen someone die in real life.

There's a certain disconnect between how people die on film and how people die in real life. I guess most directors, writers and performers can only guess what it looks like and the myriad of ways it can occur. Now there are some exceptions. The TV show CSI for instance usually adheres pretty closely to realism. Having said all that, sometimes film makers show such a basic lack of understanding of physics and biology it's baffling. Here's a few I've rounded up.

Top 5 implausible death scenes on screen

- McBain (1991) McBain shoots plane down from cockpit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLUGBujl2-0

The sheer balls of everyone involved in this short scene is tremendous. Presumably, the screenwriter wrote this. On paper. He wrote the words “A jet fighter pulls alongside McBain's aeroplane. McBain pulls out a pistol and shoots the jet down. It explodes. McBain holsters his pistol.” The actors rehearsed the scene at least once before climbing onboard the plane or a mock-up of a cockpit (more likely) to film the scene. The director presumably was behind the camera the whole time, directing the scene, giving the actors their motivation “Okay Chris, you see the jet pull alongside. He talking over the radio saying you've got to turn the plane around. You pretend you can't hear him.” Later the editor must have cut the footage together. Splicing the bits of second unit shots with the close-ups. Getting the best takes. Making sure the dialogue flows. And AT NO POINT did any of these people say “What the f*ck? This makes absolutely no sense on any level.” Just watch the video, at no point do we see the bullet penetrate the cockpit window of either the plane McBain (Christopher Walken) is in or the jet fighter he's shooting at. The only thing I can hypothesize is that Walken rewrote this scene and then intimidated everyone else involved to go along with it.

- Highlander 2 (1991) McLeod uses electrical wire to decapitate jet pack assassin.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbaTvw_5xcs

(Skip to 3:50 mark)

I'll put my hands up and admit, yes this is a science fiction film, and ordinarily they get a pass for having to be realistic but this film is littered with completely ridiculous logic gaps - not least the train scene where Michael Ironside cranks the speed up so fast people start flying through the air due to the g-force (presumably) while he remains completely unaffected. This particular scene, even when I first saw it aged 12, remains one of the stupidest bits of cinema ever. Connor MacLeod is being chased by a jet pack wearing assassin from distant planet called Zeist (unless your watching the director's cut where, even stupider he's retconned as being from the past!). In order to kill him MacLeod has to chop his head off (as with all the bad guys in the series), so in a rather roundabout way to get the job done, he grabs an electrical wire, wraps it around his sword and pulls it taut . Said assassin flies into the wire (very slowly), and in a blinding lack of the most rudimentary biological structure, the assassin's head is cleanly decapitated. What the hell? To top it all off, the assassin's body then slowly carries on floating (now upright?!) into an electrical fuse box, causing that to explode as well. There's over the top, and then there's Highlander 2.

- Commando (1985) Matrix throws pipe through Bennett.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-tRErs5UcI

Everyone knows this next one. We all watched it in the 80s. “Let off some steam, Bennett”. My friends and I used to say this too each other as kids. Commando was the first film to really be designed for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s terrible puns. Sure, he had some great lines in The Terminator and Conan the Barbarian but they weren't puns Commando is where they just started inserting the most random humorous lines to accompany his kills. I almost think the writers maybe started off with the lines, they wrote the fight scene around it. For those who are yet to experience the awesomeness of this here's the run through. Arnie has finally caught up with his treacherous former army colleague Bennett. They fight hand to hand in some kind of steam room. Arnie takes Bennett down then, to finish him off he grabs a pipe and throws it at Bennett at such a speed it penetrates his chain mail armour, and his torso, and the boiler behind him, making the steam from the boiler syphon out through the pipe. That's incredible. I'm not a physics expert or anything but the strength, to throws a pipe through a man's chest, through his spine, AND through a metal boiler must be enormous. Also, if the pipe's hollow surely when he went through Bennett it wouldn't have make just an open hole? How did that steam come out?

- Friday the 13^th Part VIII Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) Jason punches Julius' head off.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBnlPBQwmc0

Again, Friday the 13^th is a pretty soft target. The series now has 12 films to its name and starting with Part 4 they began to just get ridiculous with the kills Jason would perform. No longer were people merely stabbed with a simple knife, they started getting heads crushed, taking a flare to the mouth or even murdered with a strimmer. In a lot of ways the Final Destination series are the spiritual successor to the Friday movies. Anyway, Part 8 is a particularly crazy episode in the now tired series. Jason is improbably brought to New York where no one bats an eyelid (okay, that's a nice joke.) As usually the victims split up to be taken down one by one. Julius, whose character has been set up as having an interest in boxing, is on a rooftop when Jason appears almost out of nowhere. Deciding he's got to man up Julius decides to unleash his boxing skills, giving Jason a left hook and a right hook. Jason just takes the punches before unleashing a massive punch... wait for it... that punches Julius' head clean off! Once again, like Highlander 2, the filmmakers seem to think that the human head can be removed like a piece of soft butter. What's that you say? Jason's an indestructible superhuman zombie. Fine, but surely if he's hitting the head with that much force, why does the body stay practically still?

- Sleepaway Camp (1983) The killer murders a cook by shaking the stool he's standing on, forcing him to fall off and douse himself in boiling water

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fW8pi54Br6s
(Includes all death scenes from the film, all are equally as stupid)

The Sleepaway Camp films (four and a half in total) are even more easy to pick on than Friday the 13^ths. For those who haven't seen them before the Sleepaway Camp movies are like a poor man's Friday the 13^th and the main reason they were modestly successful is that they went even further with outrageousness of the deaths. Not necessarily more gory (though a lot were) but in terms of the creativity of the kills. Notice have I've titled this 'the killer murders a cook'. Essentially the killer's identity gets revealed at the end of the first film and it's the one saving point for the whole film (albeit very, very weird). This is the opening murder of the film and really it sets a tone for the whole series. An innocent cook is boiling something in a huge saucepan. He uses a stool to get high enough to put stuff in it. Suddenly, as he stands on top of it someone behind him starts shaking the stool. Now does he:

A) Turn around, see who it is and make an attempt at stopping them
B) Just stand there like a lemon yelling and never once turning around

That's right. He chooses not to turn around, or kick with his feet, or yell for help, or (considering his size) just fall backwards and squash the attacker! I get that the director was trying to create tension by dragging the scene out but unfortunately it backfired and, like virtually all the death scenes, it just makes all the characters in the film seem like they're in alternate version of earth where everyone's IQ is 50 points below ours.

Right, so there you have it. Five of the stupidest movie death scenes. There's hundreds more so I might do a follow-up at some point.